* This is a vulnerable post for me. I've choked up writing it. I've debated whether to post it.
I'm a bit of an emotional wreck this week. I will write about where we are applying to and why in another post. This is about all I can handle today. :) *
I keep pinching myself...we are really doing this. It's been awhile coming - you probably suspected from previous posts. However, it still surprises me. We planned to start last summer and for a variety of reasons (the main one being that God was calling me to come home and work less), we knew it wasn't the right time. So, we've been praying and seeking and asking and learning and researching and unable to shake the call that God wanted us to do this again. He made it clear that we had room for another. He also shut five doors in the last several months but has continued to keep us open - we have not been discouraged or upset, we have just known that He had something else. It felt like a testing and it definitely kept the needs of orphans ever before us.
In truth, I've been content. I love, love, love my boys and didn't feel a need to have more children except for the nagging knowledge that there are millions without parents. Honestly though, we were diaper free, we were moving on, it was time to give back in other ways -we were happy with our family of five. Little by little, this conviction and still small voice began to grow - maybe my "ideals" and "plan" weren't what God had in mind. I've argued with Him and it went something like this, "We have our hands full," "How in the world can we afford it - we've only taken pay cuts the last couple of years," "We are so happy with our three," "You've already blessed us and now we are ready to raise these kids and retire." And God's answer has been pretty consistent, "I want you to do this. You have room for another. I will provide." Still I argued, still I questioned, still I didn't see when it would be a "good time." I think FEAR has been a big part of my questioning - fear that we don't have the funds, fear that adding another will totally overwhelm me, fear of the unknown... It can be paralyzing. I've fought it this week even as we've been filling out paperwork. I've called my mom, my sisters, my friends - asking them to pray for me.
It's come down to this - I WANT this. I'm THRILLED. I have that excited, nervous, butterfly feeling in my stomach. I cannot wait to see who God has for our family. I cannot wait to welcome #4. I cannot wait to see his/her face and tell him/her that I'm so proud to be their mom and they are safe and loved and wanted.
I KNOW it will be hard. I KNOW it is stepping out in faith. I KNOW there will be times of fear and unknown. I also KNOW that God has called us to this. Our children have advocated for this and God has used them to challenge us. They have graciously and sacrificially offered all of their savings (about $12 :)) to help bring their sister or brother home - that's a love and commitment that I CANNOT wait to share with their sibling. They will be awesome big brothers.
So, we embark on this journey. Today we mail our application and we have our first homestudy meeting. It's been a whirlwind and a long-time coming all at the same time. We are trusting God. We are thankful He has provided the first amounts of funding we need - the application fee, homestudy fee, and a little more through our savings and tax refund. We are trusting him for the remaining $20,000 or so that we will need by the time this is said and done. We are planning some fundraisers and praying, praying, praying that God will provide. We look forward to telling #4 all about the people who helped bring him/her home - a testimony and a part of the story.
We are excited to see God's plan for our family. We are out of our comfort zone. We are on our knees. We are blessed already.
To Our New Little Bug
Waiting here for you.
Wanting to know you.
Praying you are safe.
Planning your arrival.
Loving you already.
Learning how to trust.
Journeying to you.
We are coming!
We cannot wait!